I wish I could just go up to someone, and tell them how I feel. About everything. I don’t really talk about my feelings anymore? They’ve been building and building, and I’m going to explode.
I want to tell someone about my mom, and how fucked up I am because of her.
I want to tell someone about my dad, and how I love him so much, but I can’t take care of him anymore.
I want to tell someone how much it kills me that he is so broken and I don’t know what to do.
I want to tell someone that my dad told me he can’t stand me because I remind him of mom, and how crippling that is to my entire being.
I want to tell someone how much I hate myself for that.
I want to tell someone how sad it makes me that I will never love myself because I look just like my mother, and everything about her is awful.
I want to tell someone that I can’t have kids, and I cry about it every day.
I want to tell someone that I don’t believe in god anymore because of it.
I want to tell someone how much my heart hurts because the boy I love will never love me.
I want to tell someone about Steven, and how he is perfect. How he is the most amazing man, but how sad it makes me that he also will never love me the way someone loves someone enough to marry them.
I want to tell someone about this silly girl that I like. I haven’t liked a girl in a long time. And I will never let myself date a girl. One, because girls are crazy. But most importantly, two, because it would break my dad’s heart.
I want to tell someone how guilty I feel for that. She likes me too. A whole lot. She broke up with her girlfriend, kinda for me. And I just won’t give her what she deserves because I want my dad to be happy before anyone.
I want to tell someone how tired I am because I work all the time.
And I want to tell someone that I’m losing myself. I thought when you were 20, you started to “find” yourself.
I want to tell someone how frustrated I am that I have just gotten more lost.
I want to tell someone that I’m a bad friend. I haven’t seen some of the people that I would like. Sure, scheduling is a big deal. But I feel terrible for it being so long since I’ve seen some of the people I love the most.
I want to tell someone that I don’t know how to cope with anything.
I want to tell someone that I am falling apart.
But my walls are too high, and I’ll keep this here. When people might ask about it, I’ll probably shut down. Maybe I will talk a little. But I probably won’t say what I’m really feeling, because I don’t know how to do that anymore.
Sorry for the redundancy.
C H A O S
side effects of being friends with me include gaining extensive knowledge of tv shows you dont watch or care about
Robert Downey Jr. is attending a celebrity costume party. A reporter asks him, “where is your costume, Robert Downey Jr.?”
RDJ laughs. “I’m Tony Stark.”
He wins all the awards. You simply can’t tell the difference.
FUCKING LOVE FRENCH FRIES
From yesterday’s monologue. #conan (at Warner Bros Stage 15)